Almost Ending.

Three more weeks till my semester ends in Sheffield and I guess that's it. That's the end of my study life. Another month to travel and then I'm going to be back in Malaysia. The feeling is really complicated. I'm so used to the life here. No homesick, peaceful life by staying alone, having a room to myself and I'm actually dreading to go home. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the company of my family, friends and him, but having only three months here is really not enough for me to explore who I am and what I want to strive in life.

It's alright. I have a feeling that I will be back here someday. At least, this is what I've been telling myself so far. Aside from having lots of fun here, I guess that's where problems come in too especially with the relationship. It's so hard for me to believe in LDRs cause I never really trust in them but I'm willing to try. Yet, there are times when we really argued and it makes me feel like crap. I'm not even as positive about it as I used to be already thanks to all the minor arguments.

I'm still trying and I hope I can endure it long enough till I'm back, maybe that's when everything will be OK again.

Just maybe.

担心，忧心。每次都是这样。我好累了。

保重。

Oh God.. Why?

Been really down lately. Not sure if I'm really down or really feel like it's all starting to drift apart. Maybe it's just me who become so speechless nowadays. I have so many things to express, yet I don't know how to. I have so many things to say but I don't know how to start. I have so many things that I wish to do but wondering when will that time come.

It's been going on for weeks already. Looks like I am not at the top again. This sucks, especially when I've been through it a million times. Maybe I need that space to calm down, to get away from everything for once.

Really sick and tired of it.

其实，我 真的觉得很失望。希望能放的下吧。。

So They Say.

Some say absence makes the heart grows fonder. But how come mine is totally the opposite? I feel drifted apart. It feels like we are both in a different world now, even if it's just less than 3 months. The feeling is unexplainable.

Maybe it's just me.

幸福的感觉好像慢慢的消失了。我的情绪很不稳定。

该怎么办？ 累，真的好累。。

Yeah, I Know.

This blog is pretty much dead already. It's not that I don't want to update, I'm just feeling tired. College's been.. normal. You wake up, you do random things with your friends, you study, you ace, you skip lectures and the list goes on.

Anyway, that's not my point. I'm still up this late because this is the first time I can't seem to sleep the moment I lied on the bed since college's started. There are some things which are not cleared from the mind. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

Then again, maybe I'm not.

Sometimes I don't see the point of doing so much when all I ask for is for a little favour in return. I should stop being so patient and nice and start thinking for myself. Goodnight, world.

I am so tired at this time zomg. O.O

The Other Side.

I used to think that whenever somebody cries, there will be people to tell you to stop doing so because everything will be fine. There is at least one person who would ask what's wrong. You will then feel better after talking to that particular person. The ones who cry in public are people who do not use their brains. All they would ever do will be sitting there, letting the tears flow and wishing so hard that everything will be solved by just plainly, tearing. After the tears, all you would ever get are a pair of swollen eyes and a Rudolph's nose.

To me, crying is a sign of weakness. It signifies someone who cannot handle themselves well enough. For example, babies. They cry when they're hungry, they cry when they wet their pants and they even cry just because they don't like that somebody to hold them in their arms. Pathetic, I would say. To those who cry just because of some heartbreaking scenes from a movie, I think that individual doesn't know how to control their feelings. Not only that, the individual has got issues with differentiating between movies and the real world.

Crying are only for attention seekers, weak humans and people who have got nothing better to do than crying for some stupid movies with the melancholic element there. If I've offended anyone out there who've been crying so much, I'm sorry. On the other hand, do let me continue because it's not the end.

I was wrong about this action. It is not a way to seek for attention because when it happens, it just does without any warnings. It is not a sign of weakness. It's a way to express yourself whether you're unhappy, heartbroken or dissatisfied. The ones who have not been hiding themselves from everyone just to cry, I salute you. You had the courage to just pour your tears out without having the fear of feeling embarrassed. It is not for weaklings but for every single living thing because everyone is borned with it.

And because I was, all the while, thinking that crying is equivalent to weak, I had built barriers around me so that I won't be hurt by words or actions easily. I stopped myself from crying everytime something unfortunate happens. I forced the tears to flow back into my eyes when it's already on it's way to flowing downwards instead. I have made myself to not cry in front of anybody at all.

Now, 9o percent of the times when I needed to let my feelings out most, I've succeeded in stopping myself from tearing. Unfortunately, I am not happy. This situation has been going on for too long. I've almost forgotten how it felt like to cry your heart out. Even if I do tear up, it is only a droplet or two. I've turn myself into someone who tries so hard just to get her life right instead of crying though I would like to think this is a form of toughness.

I've gone so far to make myself so tough. But now, I rather give up on the toughness to gain the courage to tear again. I've lost the ability to let my feelings out in a different way. I rather give up in being tough, be the sensitive person I used to be. I rather stop thinking on how to fix things just to fucking cry.








I rather be a weakling I used to be than being someone who's only able to cry silently because I'm so tired of everything. Everything.

I should be studying.

But I'm not. Yes, I am aware that trials are coming soon. Less than a month's time. I hardly opened any book at all. Good job py, good job. You are on your way to failing the whole trials thing. And then, you will start regretting and scolding yourself on why didn't you study yadah yadah.

Then again, I think I'm starting to be so stressed up that I'm going to go nuts. No, I'm serious. I seem to get bad headaches everytime I hear noises these days and my mood will be so screwed up that I can just fire at anyone anytime. I can't even bear with whatever noises that I hear for more than 5 minutes. This. Is. Bad. I swear.

As if all that is not bad enough, I don't have enough sleep at all. It's the third consecutive night that I haven't been exactly resting my mind. Usually, no matter how tired I am, when I rest, I just fall deeply into my sleep. Now, I'm so tired. I want to sleep but the moment I closed my eyes, I know that the mind is still thinking a million things. It's not allowing me to rest at all. I am just asking for peaceful nights, and this is what I get in return.

I am still in a screwed up situation. The stupid dilemma. The stupid mixed up feelings. On top of all those, I'm still the stupid me. Good gracious, being single can mean more trouble than being in a relationship at times.

I shall walk to my bed and close my eyes again. Just pray hard that I can get enough rest for tonight. I am exhausted, I really am.

I need more sleep.

I'm done with my Moral project!

After 2 nights of sleeping at 3 in the morning and waking up at 6 is definitely not good. Especially when you need to stayback for meetings till 4, come home at 5, go out at 6.30 again for your dinner, reach the tuition centre at 7.50 pm and by the time the tuition ends, you can only reach home at 10.30 pm. THAT was what I experienced yesterday. Trust me, I'm so worn out that I don't get insomnia anymore. And tonight, I will need to pack for tomorrow's camp which will last till Sunday and that wraps up my first week of school.



On another note, for this whole week ever since Monday, I've not slept for more than 24 hours in total. Good, I am going to die at an early age if such situation goes on for a year which I doubt it actually. -___-



My cross country is tomorrow. The route is lame but there's nothing we can do about it. I would rather run in Bandar Tasik Permaisuri than Taman Pudu Ulu, the new park near SBU. Because the top 20 runners who reach the finish line first will get trophies/medals. I don't hope much but I want to be the 20th runner and that's enough. :D I hope many won't go tomorrow so it'll be less competitive. Tee-hee. x]



I shall go take my bath now because I've rested enough ever since I reached home 20 minutes ago. I want to sleep. *yawns*

FourFortySix.

The clock shows 4.46 a.m. I just came home from Neway Karaoke 15 minutes ago. Salute me. ;D I shall blog about yesterday soon, but definitely not now as my eyes can barely open widely and I just can't seem to stop *yawns* yawning *yawns* because *yawns* I'm tired. *yawns*

So before I'm off to my temptatious bed, I would like to wish all the Chinese..

Happy Chinese New Year!

..It's Chor Yat a.k.a first day of CNY. May health and wealth be with you. :)

Counting the days.

..hurt a little bit, but now I'm so over it.

Had Maclay house practice again but then I didn't manage to run. Ended up helping out with the marching members. I feel so mean after scolding them like.. okay never mind. I don't think you would want to know the details too. (; Oh come on, I'm not that fierce okay. It's just that I take things seriously, or maybe too seriously. x]

Debate audition is on next Thursday. I hope I can make it through that part. I mean, it's my last year and I want to at least experience things like this once. Katrina, you better not back out last minute or I will strangle you. xD But I think I've got a problem here. I will be having cheer practices for this coming Sports Day's performance everyday starting next week. I hope Zuri will let me off for a while to go for the audition. *prays hard*

Oh, my last cheer practices will be last this year. ;p I guess I can never let go things that easily. But then, performances are alright I think. xD Sigh, I'm such an ironic human. Oh well, this is indeed, Olivia Chan Pui Ying. A girl that can never set her priorities straight. ;D

Trixie and Alex (again) went back to school today. Good to see them again. :) And I sorta miss my curls. I think I better stop torturing my hair or they will spoil. As in really spoil. Not the fake one. );

CNY is in like what? a week or so? AND I still haven't get my NY clothes! Shit-ism. WHEN will my CNY shopping be here? *lets out a loud sigh* The mood is not there though. Perhaps it's because the date is a little too early this year and sadly, exams are right after the holiday. A whole week of papers and there goes, another week of staying back every single day for cheer and *drumrolls please* ta-dahhhh! Sports Day! How exhausting will this be I do not know. Can anyone tell me why must life be so hectic? Only in Kuala Lumpur or what? );

Oh, and I have this weird thought where I want to be the next Kenny Sia. *O* Wake me up please.

It's a Thursday.

In fact, I keep thinking that today's a Friday. It feels like one. Well, to me it does.

I'm superbly tired. Physically AND Mentally. I want to run away to a place where nobody actually knows me. Been really down. I hope there will be a happier post soon.

Soon..




I need to scream.

I'm very berry cherry tempted to blog..

but the thing is, I'm too tired to do so..

Furthermore, I'm going to go out with pui yan to get the working things at bb area again in less than 12 hours time..

My legs are numb, I can't seem to feel their presence anymore..

Oh by the way, I saw Vince Chong and Hannah in Saisaki..

Although Hannah looked really familiar to me, but seriously, I still can't seem to remember where have I seen her..

And I have a dysfunctional pair of uncle and aunt..

The post will be up.. soon.


Nights. *yawns*

i'm certified busted. did not study history at all. here i go again, making another history. sighs. nights everybody.

exams are in 3 days time.

and i have yet to study.

was stoned to the max in the person's house. like omg. boredom striked. thank goodness there's someone that i can sms with. x]

i don't wanna go to school tomorrow. i wanna fall sickkkkk. you lazy bump.

i fucking give up maths homework. screw that teacher. threatening us who has yet to hand in her stupid homework. " to those who haven't hand in their work, i am going to send your names to the counselling teacher and you will have to go for detention. " like wtf.

ah screw you, mrs. old-looking-woman-with-the-glasses-dropping-to-the-tip-of-the-nose-who-speaks-broken-english-with-a-monotonous-voice-that-hypnotizes-everyone-to-lalaland.

31st July 2007.

` is the day where you get 31% off from Baskin Robbins.
` is the day i finished my BM essay.
` is the day before ' SF's anniversary.
` is the day our Moral syllabus end.
` is the day i saw him a few times in school.
` is the day i drank bubble tea.
` is the day i go online at such an early time.
` is the day my internet connection gets better.
` is the day i hugged my dog.
` is the day i gotta start finishing my Maths work.
` is the day i chatted to Mei Li when she's "offline".
` is the day i do not have Cambridge class.
` is the day i'm going to do the tag that mei yee has tagged me.
` is the day i'm going to upload the photos.
` is the day i'm going to do my BM powerpoint presentation for aural test.

` is just another busy day.