Feeling Loved.

Right now at this moment, he's just a few steps away from me, doing his assignment and out of the blues, he PM-ed me on Facebook instead of talking to me face-to-face. ._. Best thing is he thinks this is romantic LOL.

This man whom I've not seen him for more than four months, who patiently waited for me to come home, who treats me really well, I'm thankful I've met him. I'm grateful that we are together. It's been almost a year now. Words alone cannot express how happy I am with him. :) I hope this happiness lasts.

You make me fall in love with you all over again every single day. :)

Indescribable.

Just so you know..

I miss you.

Four Sundays to Go.

In a blink of an eye, it's my turn to fly away from Malaysia soon. After all these years, all the hard work will be paid off. The only thing I worry most now is my Masters application. What if something goes wrong and I can't do my Masters this year? So much to worry, yet, I can't do anything till my results are out.

And by the time I stop worrying is when I am already there, hopefully. A lot of things are still going in my mind. How I wish they can all just stop here. There are just too many people that are hard for me to let go but for a better future, this is the price to pay. Maybe I shouldn't have made this decision from the start but it's all too late now.

All I can do is to hope for the best. Sigh. Till then.

Unsure.

On a night like this, my mind tends to play a little more tricks than usual. I'm not sure of many things. I'm not sure if this is what I really want or it's all temporary. I'm not sure what will happen or could have happened. I'm not sure how it works or if it will ever work. Sometimes, I just wish my mind doesn't exhaust me this much. I wish this feeling can be wiped off instead of lingering around without a stop button.

There are so many things that I wish I could say but it's not safe no matter here or elsewhere. I don't expect people looking into my inner emotions, in fact, I hope nobody knows what my thoughts are. It's tiring to keep things to myself, to lock them down deep inside me. But, what if once they are exposed to the damned truth, what would they think about me? Would they be really judgmental or supportive?

For all that I know now, there is no turning back. There shall be no regrets to whatever I've decided on. I can only choose to move forward, lead the current life as how it should be. I need to stop being fickle-minded. I need to learn that some things don't go the way you wish they did. I need to learn how to manage my emotions and to know what is right for me.

Now all that I pray is that someday, it will all pay off.

Feelings.

Oh cool. I can now blog using the iPad. Wonder if blogging about my life will be back in action soon. Gone were the days where I blog everyday. :(

Life has been pretty dull. Things with me and the bf have been going quite well so far. :D I'm one happy person, except the fact that I'll be flying to UK soon for my studies. But it's okay. Things will work out, I know they will. I have faith in this. :)

Just the other day I dreamt about me being in UK and I couldn't contact him at all. Woke up feeling bad but he said that it won't happen. Makes me feel a lot better.

Not just the bf, but the heart feels heavy whenever I think about leaving my family and friends here. Not sure when will I be back from UK. Future seems a little uncertain right now. Sigh. Still, I hope I can get a job there for a better living. Hopefully everything will go well. :)

Yesterday night had a conversation with the unbiological sister, Pui Yan. It's so nice to be able to talk about our pasts and laughed at them. Memories always make me smile. Even the most painful ones can do the trick. Heh.

Random thoughts : Would it be painful to not remember anything at all someday no matter how hard you try to recall? What if everything that I have now vanishes out of a sudden?

Words Cut, Paper Heart.

Thought something minor like this shouldn't have hurt, but still it did. It wasn't entirely your fault, it just brought back some unwanted feelings that I used to go through for the past few years. And after almost a year, I heard something similar again. No doubt, I was a little down. I'm glad you made the effort to explain twice. :)

To me, you're different. I'm glad I made this choice. :)

The Difference.

Blogging used to be so much more fun, about everyday life or feelings. Years ago, it was great to write about what has happened, the events, every little detail just seem to fit in here. Sadly, the trend has been changing, from long posts to short updates in other social networking sites. Nevertheless, I still prefer writing long-winded ones here occasionally. At least, I am not restricted to the number of words or be annoyed with people commenting on what I say here. :D

Now that I'm facing my last three papers for the Advanced Dip. course, it kinda makes me miss attending classes with friends. This year has been very productive. As usual, there are no peace in my years so far and 2012 is definitely one of the years that has more ups and downs than usual. Still, won't be complaining cause those are what spiced up my life whether it was in a good or bad way.

I feel different now. After everything that has happened, it's weird that I'm no longer the same person I knew long time ago. My perspectives are just not the same anymore. I guess it's called growing up. I'm glad of all the minor and major changes in me. I'm glad everything that has fallen apart are back into one piece again. Oh, and I'm definitely glad that we all survived the apocalypse, not like it ever existed haha!

And 2013, I'm anticipating you. :)

A Turning Point.. Not?

Something good (or bad) happened yesterday. There was supposed to be a turning point. Someone has made his confession to me yesterday night. I was really touched, no doubt. It was one of the sweetest confessions, but aren't all of them supposed to be sweet anyway? Never mind.

Point is, I did not agree.

I told him to give himself and I some time, and see how it goes after a month. Probably he will forget me by then. I hurt him a lot I guess. It was an unexpected one. He fell for me since two months ago and how stupid I was to not realise it.

There are too many things for me to think about ever since I've been single for quite some time now. I'm no longer the person who would do whatever it takes to be with someone just like three years ago. It takes a lot more courage to get back into any relationship, to take the huge step of having the fear to lose someone significant again.

I'm confused at the same time. I don't know what to feel for him. Yes, I admit that it's been very comfortable with his presence but maybe we should stay this way for now. Moving to another level is probably not the best idea.


Your love for me has made everything else different. Never knew that anyone will still love me like this. :) 

I'm okay.

And so, that's what I thought I am; being okay. Unfortunately, I've coincidentally seen my senior's pictures with her boyfriend and something struck me again.

***

Back then, we used to say how we want to graduate together and go UK together. Even when I first met your mom this year officially as your girlfriend, it was really nice to think that she agreed to our relationship and asked us to go UK together, to the same uni.

That happened just months ago, in April, to be exact.

Now that we're not together, the thoughts of going UK together, graduating together, working together and probably living together is no longer available. Everything has vanished. It's just like when we didn't know each other.

Yesterday we worked, I saw you yet I looked away. That feeling to me was awful as well but if I don't look away, I can't say hi to you either. After what has happened, I can't be friends with you. I was only friends with you for a year and that's it, we were together for 3 years plus. If you think you can treat me like a friend after a relationship, I really don't have much to say. All I can say is, I can't do what you can.

What has become of me was all because of you, really. If you weren't so cold-hearted to me, maybe things could have been better. Undeniably, even when I asked you again if you've moved on, I wished you didn't say you are getting over me. Deep down, I wanted us to be together again but I guess it will never happen anymore since I've asked you too many times and all you did was to disappoint me again and again.

                                                                                ***

Friends, thank you for always being there for me throughout these tough times. I know you are all by my side when I needed all the support. I love you guys, a lot.

And you, who is now my ex, trust me, I did not stop loving you, but one day, I'm sure all of these will pass. 

Train of Thought; The Ring .

It is not just a typical accessory. It represents commitment, a promise, if it's given to someone. It is the willingness to wear it all the time, to remember the commitment made, to remember what keeps you to it. It is supposed to only be for the finger, not in the pocket, the wallet or lying on the table. Because if it is, it wouldn't be called a ring in the first place.

Now, if you have taken it out, what does it really mean? Does it mean that you're not ready to show that you are with someone else? Or are you not committed enough to anything that forgetting to wear it has become a routine? Maybe you think it's time to move on as it no longer means anything?

***

"Is that an accessory?", I questioned my friend. He denied and proceeded to explaining why he's wearing it. It's been with him for more than four years now. It was supposed to come in a pair in which the other is for the special someone. But it's separated now. They have left each other for a reason. I kept quiet for a moment. He's a friend who somehow possesses easy come, easy go character. Yet, he's held on to something which is so small and fitted into his finger. Then I wondered. Is the girl wearing it just like he did? Or has she moved on?

I don't know.

***

What about you? What does the ring mean to you?

Oh Nos.

Life is HECTIC.

Omg. I don't know why I always complain here but yes, this has become my official place to rant and blab on everything.

Anyhoos, the owner has so much to say again and yet, don't know how to start. Le sigh.

Guess I really need a long getaway. GETAWAY FRIENDS, WHERE ART THOU? :(

So If One Day You Wake Up.

And then one of us is no longer there.

Is it all about the time or the effort? I will go nuts soon.

Goodnight.

One Does Not Simply Abduct Children.

UNLESS you are an alien with the UFO which uses the light that shown above you and then suck you in like a vacuum.

Joseph Kony, is an alien, no wait, scratch that. A beast. Inhumane beast.

He abducted children, making the boys become child soldiers, killing others including their own parents; making the girls sex slaves. And nobody knew, not till today. With the upbeat technology, he is now infamous for his inglorious acts.

I hope he will face justice soon after his whole life mistreating the innocent children.

Watch the video here and visit its official website here.

Share it after you watch, don't keep it to yourself. It's F.O.C.

How does it feel when all you did was to accompany someone, and you got sarcasm in return?

I have the choice to not accompany you, I admit. But at least, don't give me sarcastic messages if I'm doing it for you. It just feels like crap to me. Maybe it's my fault to even do so much.

If you want me to care less, let me know without all those remarks please. If you don't realise, I have feelings too.

Thanks.

I wish I could heal immediately. Truth is, I couldn't. The pain is there. I felt no sincerities.

Thank you for allowing my tears to fall for two nights, and you will never know.

Must all stories come to an end?

Sigh.

Last Day of August Already?

Time flies really fast eh? People leaving one by one. This is life after all. You get to know new people, be close and then separate when the time comes. Not just friendships, but family and relationships as well. Just name it. I guess today's one of those days where I started thinking how my life has been for the past few years.

It was awesome, undeniably awesome. There were cracks here and there but it will always be good in no time. Sometimes, I will think, how come I fought for so long but it brings me to almost nothing? But most of the times, I think that someday, things will change just like the way you expected it to be.

Whatever happens, happens. I won't blame nor deny the fact. I shall accept it whole heartedly. I'm still fighting hard each day. Fighting to live a life, a life with no worries. A life that will remind me everyday is a precious day, a walk worth remembrance.

And I'm still waiting for that day.

Happy Merdeka Malaysia. :)

Positivity .

My blog's been so down lately. Reading back old posts and comparing it the recent posts, they're totally two different sides. Two years ago, that's when I felt this happiness that I thought I should share out. Two years later, happy or not, I decide not to say anything about it. I don't want to jinx my own life. I'm so superstitious but really I can't help it.

I need to have more positive energy in me. I got to start pushing myself back up to the top. :)

To Anonymous .

I came across a random blog I've recently read. Someone whom I don't know, probably will never know too for the rest of my life. But I guess that girl is really hurt now. One of her blog entries made me realised something I've felt before. It stung me. The feeling of knowing that this person was being mistreated reminded me a whole lot of things.

Are all of them the same? Are we girls similar too? Why are we caring so much? Will it be all worthwhile? There were so many questions in my head. What if it's the other way round instead? Maybe it will be better.

And at one point, I felt what she felt exactly at that moment. It made me tear. I've never felt so much before when reading someone's blog but this time, its different. I just hope she can recover soon because it will never be worth it. Smile, it will make you feel different. :)

2 weeks from now .

So I supposed things are getting better. I hope to the those who I know of also will have improved situations. Heh. 2 weeks from now, it's gonna be just the 11 of us and the island. Can't wait for it. Gonna be taking lots of photos. It's just like a year ago when we went to Perhentian. The excitement to hear the sound of the waves and stepping on warm sand. :)

It's gonna be good. I have this feeling that it will be. Let's just hope for the best. Assignment deadlines are all getting nearer. Hopefully everything will be done before the trip so that I can enjoy it to the maximum point. :D