I'm okay.

And so, that's what I thought I am; being okay. Unfortunately, I've coincidentally seen my senior's pictures with her boyfriend and something struck me again.

***

Back then, we used to say how we want to graduate together and go UK together. Even when I first met your mom this year officially as your girlfriend, it was really nice to think that she agreed to our relationship and asked us to go UK together, to the same uni.

That happened just months ago, in April, to be exact.

Now that we're not together, the thoughts of going UK together, graduating together, working together and probably living together is no longer available. Everything has vanished. It's just like when we didn't know each other.

Yesterday we worked, I saw you yet I looked away. That feeling to me was awful as well but if I don't look away, I can't say hi to you either. After what has happened, I can't be friends with you. I was only friends with you for a year and that's it, we were together for 3 years plus. If you think you can treat me like a friend after a relationship, I really don't have much to say. All I can say is, I can't do what you can.

What has become of me was all because of you, really. If you weren't so cold-hearted to me, maybe things could have been better. Undeniably, even when I asked you again if you've moved on, I wished you didn't say you are getting over me. Deep down, I wanted us to be together again but I guess it will never happen anymore since I've asked you too many times and all you did was to disappoint me again and again.

                                                                                ***

Friends, thank you for always being there for me throughout these tough times. I know you are all by my side when I needed all the support. I love you guys, a lot.

And you, who is now my ex, trust me, I did not stop loving you, but one day, I'm sure all of these will pass. 

To the one who hurt me most .

I remembered how you used to blame yourself for thinking I wouldn't be with you after I was with someone else. You were wrong. I remembered how happy I was when you told me what you felt about us. :) 

I remembered how I used to be the one you care most until everything started to change ever since you've known more and more people but lesser and lesser time for me.

I remembered how I tried compromising with all the changes in us. It was so tough. So damn tough that I almost give up most of the time when I felt I was the only one putting real effort in it.

I read back what you said to me that one day before we went to Langkawi. I read what you said about you won't be able to sacrifice so much for me. I knew where I stand all this while but I have always refused to believe what I already know. That one moment, I felt so much pain that it was unbearable.

I remembered so much of us that I wish my memory can be replaced so that I don't have to go through this. I hated you one minute but loved you for so long. I hate how we have become. We are no longer friends, we are not enemies. We have become someone who used to know each other so much, yet not at all close. Strangers.

Love is sacrifice, being loved is acceptance. I felt more of sacrifice than acceptance, really.

Thought I will hate you for what has happened. For telling me you can move on. For telling me you are getting over it. What we had was nothing at all. I saw what you posted, you said you didn't even regret making this decision. Good for you.

As much as I thought so, I know for a fact that I don't hate you as I thought I would.

You have completely broken me apart. Thank you.

When you know you don't matter anymore, that really hurts. Less than two months and that's all you needed. It's okay.

It's going to be fucking okay because all that I've done for you for the past 3 years plus, it meant nothing.

Now I know.

:)

Still.. alive.

Life has been so stressful lately. Yes I get a lot of stress and I get stressed super easily. I don't know how to handle and I tend to screw up a lot. But oh well, this is me. I really need to start learning how to handle craps. sigh.

Upcoming Monday will be my course's event and I'm awfully nervous, especially when media is coming also. sigh. Oh well, I guess life's like that isn't it. :( You finish worrying one thing and there goes another. Assignment deadlines are so near that I can hardly breathe.

It's good in a way, to get certain things out of my head. Meanwhile, hope I can enjoy the process and learn something from it. :)